This is my three beautiful kids and I!
Growing up for me may not have been the easiest , better than some worse than others, but it still is considered “good ole days,” to me. My life is a “good” life for someone my age. I am 23 years old with three beautiful kids, 2 boys and a girl. I’m married and have been for three years now but we been together for 7! We have a beautiful <-(exaggeration) brick house in the country that we are currently paying a mortgage on, so that’s supposed to be a + . All things things are great except my own mind ruins it half the time for me or the other half for others.
Growing up I had my highs and lows. I never would have put a name on it because:
1. )My parents thought showing depression was having a “pity party” they’d call it. 2. )I thought bipolar was anger issues. I never knew the facts are the impact it could have on my life as an adult. 3. )When I was manic I was the life of the party.. I never wanted to think I had a problem.
When my husband and I first got together I was fresh out of YCP ( Youth Challenge Program) ,and so was he, I wasn’t diagnosed then but looking back I can see I was manic. He put up with alot. I may have been fun and spontaneous and that’s what drove him to me but it is where it gets rocky to. I had to have things then and there. NO WAITING! Money didn’t matter I wanted to go blow it. I was a young Flirty girl who knew how to bat my eyes to get him to do what I want, and he did. Which led to us at the age of 17 (me) amd 19 (him) PLANNING a baby. YESS PLAN!
My little girl is 4 years old now! She is perfectly perfect and sassy. I do not regret planning for her so young but there is alot that I do regret.
First regret: [because I was manic] I didn’t consider how others would feel or react when we would tell I was pregnant. I didn’t even think about the fact that my parents thought I was on the path of straight and narrow for the first time because I had just gotten out of YCP. NO! All I thought about was I have news and I’m going to tell you, even though it was was HUGE and the day of of little brothers birthday party!
Second regret: [because of depression] I’d have to say this second one is a tie between quitting my job and college from “pregnancy sickness” , which was there and VERY HORRIBLE but the depression made me not want to even try to fight through it. I stayed it bed almost my whole pregnancy, which leads me to the the tie. I wish I wouldn’t have pushed all my friends away. I was a very sociable person ,mainly when when manic, but I used the excuse that it was time to be an adult and shut everybody out. It’s still hard after all thos time to learn how to put that wall down.
Third regret: [because of <post partum> depression ] Like everything else wasnt enough, at what was supposed to be the happiest time in my life I hit below rock bottom. The regret here is not getting help sooner. Maybe if my depression would have been under control when I gave birth the first moments with baby would have been pure joy instead of pain and confusion and then guilt for feeling well I was feeling. I wish I would have told someone before the thoughts in my head led to where they did. Because even though I eventually got help the days that I’m down I still feel guilty for ever thinking or feeling any other way than the way that I do for my baby girl.
Getting diagnosed!!
I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was admitted to the ,what I call, “nut” hospital for postpartum. I was surprised but when I was explained exactly what it was exactly suddenly so many things made since.
For starters all the nights it’s like I just didnt need sleep and nothing could get my mood down. Then it was like nothing could happen to make me unhappy but nothing was able to get me happy and I was constantly teird. When I was at this state and people would ask me ,”What’s wrong? your not cheerful self? , I dont like when u like this cheer up.” , I would say I’m fine and that nothing was wrong but then it would I would start to feel like people didnt like me unless I was that one side of me. I literally felt like i was/am divided into 3 different people. If I thought about it to long I would get more depressed. So I did what any stupid teen with bipolar would do (maybe). I started taking stimulants to make me feel as though I was manic again. Not understanding what exactly my mind was battling with the irrational decisions I made in youth where just too much!!
It was such a journey finding the right medicine. What worked but didn’t have all the crazy side effects. Having to go through it all as a first time mom already feeling like I screwed up, having to worry about a medicine knocking me out cold that I wouldn’t hear my baby cry at night was a NO GO!
After meds are right!:)
Even though my medicine is finially straight, and two more kids later. There are still the days that I will get depressed and not know why. I try for my kids to not see. I dont want them thinking they did anything, which is what husband always thinks, smh! The days where I’m overly happy ,whether it be manic or mania (just forget to talk about know because it’s the one thing the medicine seems to actually decreases to zero), I want to enjoy it but I try to be mindful because apparently I’m aggressive if I can’t get what I want. I’m impulsive and will go through all of our savings if i don’t take precautions, which I learned to do.
What if my kids have it?
I get so scared to think that my kids could ever feel the hurt that I felt in my heart in their own. When I see a day dream on my little girls face i wonder if she’s thinking about some crush or sweet new toy or if she is broken apart and has now clue why. I just hope that if that ,God forbid, where to ever be the case ,with her or the boys, that they’d could talk to me and I could do everything I can to them the help they need to get better sooner rather than later.
♧ Life is alot with bipolar but it is not everything … until next time ,”This is Taylor:)” , Hope you enjoyed my first edition for: My Lovely CRAZY Life! :$#!
My Lovely CRAZY Life! :$#! 